When a Man and a Woman Love Each Other Very Much

Dear Little Baby Baum,

I was just thinking about all the talks we will have, and things I'll need to teach you. I thought I could start developing some responses to this one in written form... for practice. As always, feedback is appreciated.

Q "Dad, where do babies come from?"

Answer 1: "Well, [son/daughter], when a man and a woman love each other very much and they decide that they want to spend the rest of their lives together, they catch a ride on a magic unicorn that whisks them away to a land called Fertilica.  Once they arrive they are immediately taken to a giant garden filled with soda pop rivers and gummy candy trees.  While they wait to be admitted into the baby section of the garden they are given a quick course on parenting, taught by a tiny leprechaun named Carl.  Carl teaches the parents about potty training, ABC's, and blending homemade baby food. After the lecture they are admitted into the inner garden... "The Garden 'O' Babes" which is where we get the term "Kindergarten" today.

It is important to remember that each set of parents has a key card. This key card allows them access to take a baby home with them back to earth. Even after constant reminders from your Mom, Dad forgot the keycard for you in the car, which was still in the parking lot for Unicorn Station, CO. Luckily there was a customer service booth where I could show my ID and get a temporary keycard...otherwise you might not have made the trip back with us.

It all worked out great because as soon as we were re-admitted, and after your mom stopped yelling at me for always forgetting things and being irresponsible, we came to your tree. We asked the attendant "how much for this one", and after a little negotiation (we wanted Ivy League Compatible but they were asking WAY too much for that option, so we settled with Private College Compatible with Above Average Sense of Humor, and they threw in a free set of Blue Eyes (after rebate).

We stopped at the outlet mall just outside of the garden and picked up some essentials, toys, crib, vitamix, carseat, diapers, etc., packed them in the unicorn carrying case, and prepared for the magical trip back to earth. Each parent has to show the receipt for the baby right before they're allowed back to earth (similar to costco).

And that's about it. Did I answer your question?"

I loved you from the moment I saw you in that tree.

Love,

Dad

I'm Sorry Mom

Dear Mom,

I know that the last few days have been kind of rough for you...and I feel like a lot of it is probably my fault. I am taking a lot of your blood away from your head...which makes you get lightheaded in the grocery store, and I know you're at the grocery store to get food to feed me (and dad) in the first place! And I'm making your uterus stretch, and your joints hurt :(

I wish so bad that there was something I could do to make you hurt less, so today I tried to make my heart beat SO strong for you and gave you some movement to hear as well (which was really me giving the heartbeat monitor a thumbs-up so you knew everything was OK here in Placenta-Land).

I was really hoping for another ultra-sound, because I had prepared some interpretive dance moves to "Mama Said Knock You Out" by LL Cool J, an homage to your light-headed-ness. But I can save that for the next one.  Speaking of which, your next appointment on May 11th, you will find out if I'm a boy or a girl.  I already know of course, but I had to promise not to say anything yet. I can't tell Dad either, because God told me that he's not the best at keeping secrets.

Anywho, I just want you to know that you're doing a great job keeping everything copacetic in here, and don't get too mad at Maggie when she steps on your tummy - I kind of like having someone to play with. I will say this though, can you let Dad go get us Frosty's from Wendy's tonight? I'm kind of craving them...(Dad told God to tell me to tell you that).

So I am so sorry that you're going through all this, I know it must be stressful. I'll try to be as good as I can be; but, with everything you're sacrificing just know that I am so appreciative of what you're going through so that I can belong to you. If my tear ducts were fully developed it would make me teary eyed just thinking about it.

I can't wait to see you for the first time! God says you're in his top 3 most gorgeous and favorite creations! He also mentioned Kim Kardashian, and Natalie Portman...it's funny but dad wasn't mentioned in any of God's favorite lists except for the "Top Works in Progress" list, and "Loves his Wife the Most" lists.

I better go though, we're working on creating some higher level brain functions this week so I really need to focus. 

I'm so lucky to have you as my mom!

Love,

Baby Baum

C-M-A

Dear Little Baby Baum,

She is SO FREAKING CUTE!

This past weekend your mom and I were helping your cousin Olivia with her alphabet.  We started with the letters C, M, and A. Coley and Livie repeated them over and over and over again until they got stuck in my head so bad.

In the real estate marketing world, where I spend a lot of my time, CMA stands for Comparative Market Analysis. I began thinking of other acronyms and made a short list:

1. Censoring My Aunt
2. Calling Mid-Level Astronauts
3. Center for Mind Abatement
4. Cauliflower Mineral Amount
5. Certified Miners Association
6. Cancel My Appointment
7. Conveniently Missing Assignments
8. Cutting Multiple Angles
9. Career Minded Aliens
10. Circle Mr. Anderson
11. Cheyenne Mountain Aquarium
12. Cheese Molding Assistant
13. Common Michigan Arsonist
14. California Metrosexual Alliance
15. Call-girl Missing an Arm

Those are just a few from off the top of my head. I am excited to teach you how to read, but I'm more excited to teach you how to shoot a basketball.

Love,

Your Dad